i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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