I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
