You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
