im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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