I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she smelled like a LAN party
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
either way he was missing a nipple.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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