I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
