i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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