In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
