I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My dick has a subreddit
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
