And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
