omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Watching her eat just hurts me
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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