ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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