your parents love me but you hate me
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
