did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Tell her she can't have a vagina
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
