My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
