is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i will never coherently bang her
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize