Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
