i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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