So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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