theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
