Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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