The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
