Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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