My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I am naked and annoyed.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
