i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
