I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
