So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Randomize