He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You're like the curious george of whores
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
