I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Terrible idea I love it
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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