everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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