My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
