Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
