If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
