your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
