Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
