Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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