I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
