I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
