So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he fucked my hip out of place.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize