i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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