Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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