the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
