I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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