My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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