Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
