oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
