Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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