A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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