I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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