I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
