don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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