you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
