someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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