Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
