why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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