I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
