I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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