She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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