Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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