cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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