i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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