I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Semen is not good for contacts.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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